Thursday, April 1, 2010

Moving Forward



I'm at a crossroad in my life. I recently turned 50 and I am a divorcee. When my first daughter left for Uni, it was like a loss because of her hysterical loud laughter and bubbly ways. My life had been all about my kids for more than two decades. Even though I did not show it, it was hard to see the first one leave the nest. No one really knew how I felt because I was good at hiding it then and only one good friend knew what I was going through. I was home 24/7 for them...I gave up my career to be home for them from the start. My kids had been my life, my focus and my priority for years even though I did falter towards the last few years of my marriage with being too much at the computer. It was more of an escape from reality for many reasons which only some people can and wish to understand.

My second daughter commutes to and fro from college due to her anxiety attacks and fears that evolved from a few fainting spells. My youngest is doing her Form 3 this year and in a couple of years she too will be leaving the nest. They live with their father but I see them often and we communicate whenever we can... I love and miss my kids but they know that even though I am not in the same house, I am always here whenever they need me unless when I am ill. I live just 30 minutes drive away from them. I am so glad I got to be here long enough to see them grow up to be beautiful swans. Their leaving the nest and me living separate, weird as it may sound...is a gift. I cherish now that they will leave the nest and become their own adults separate from me.

I love seeing my kids become independent adults with lives that don't revolve around me. They have their own hopes, ambitions and dreams...they have discovered their individual personalities. I am not central anymore. If I died now, I know my kids would be okay, they have lots of dreams and lots to live for, they could move on without much pain especially with a father that loves and supports them very much. He will always put them first in his life. They love me, but they would be able to manage without me now. I am grateful for that.

This time in my life has also opened new doors for me. The first 3 decades of my life involved me growing up and becoming an independent adult. The next two decades were about being a wife and mother. Raising my kids was my priority; my needs didn't matter so much in the earlier years.

I have come to realize my remaining time here can be mine. I've fulfilled obligations the first 5 decades of my life. Now I can focus on me...And it's okay. This past one year has been extremely difficult for me to move on in life. I was holding on to threads of the past. Today I have made a serious decision to move on in life and to deal with my pains and ailments positively....and to treasure the gifts that have been bestowed upon me i.e. Life...my Faith and the people that really do love me unconditionally in all aspects. I am finding solace in my Faith and my heart is filled with hope of what I need most....and that is Love and emotional support. Whatever time I have in this life will not be taken for granted anymore ...I will value it much more...each precious moment of it. Healthy people should not take life for granted...life is uncertain. I now realize that Life is so precious and too short to dwell in the past or to get depressed over hopeless situations.

The many crossroads in our lives can be quite painful, but there are always new opportunities for growth and happiness, inshaAllah (God Willing). Keep me in your prayers so that I may be positive, hopeful and have the strength and courage to move forward and live life (for whatever is left of it) as I should.

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